Autism and Criticism

Being the parent of a child with an Autism diagnosis is very difficult. Unless a person is a parent or care giver of a child who carries this diagnosis, it is almost impossible to really understand what day to day life is like for those of us whose children require a little or a lot of extras throughout the day.

I've come to a point, since my son was first diagnosed, where most of the time, life is good. Many people don't really even notice his issues and quirks. Upon observation, most people see him as just one of the boys. The only thing most people may notice is that sometimes, when he speaks, his words come out in the wrong order, and his use of pronouns is a little off much of the time. However, compared to when he was completely non verbal and non responsive, he is doing very well.

Every once in awhile, though, some parents catch wind of the fact that my son has an Autism diagnosis and they immediately pass judgement on him. I've been told that he must have been a "bad little boy in his past life, so he was sent back to do it all over again the right way", that he is a less evolved speciies [of an ape] than the rest of us, and even that he is a more evolved species than everyone else....he's also been called a "crystalis child" or "indigo child"....blah blah bla. The fact of the matter is, he is simply a child with a few quirks. I've come to understand what was said to me a few years ago when my son was first diagnosed. There are no such things as perfect children. ALL children have some kind of quirk(s) at some point or another. Every child goes through phases. Every child whines, cries, demands attention, runs, gets lost, can't go potty without mommy standing by, needs her blanky to fall asleep, might be a little dingy at times, is a slower learner at a certain subject than his peers or has some other issue. No child is absolutely perfect (sorry to burst your bubble). At the same time, all children have their strengths.

A few nights ago, I attended a meeting at a prospective school that I was looking into for my son. I rarely get the opportunity to have a baby sitter during the evening hours, and I do not have family that lives close by like many other moms do. So, with the permission of the one who was running the meeting, I brought my two older kids and my little baby. There were also about 12 other children who where a little older who came with their parents as well. My daughter entered the room a few times, wanting cuddles, or to whisper something in my ear, but she was always quiet and respectful. My son entered the room about two different times, and was a little louder, but was very easily redirected. I thought the older children did extremely well that night considering they had never been to this school and didn't know anyone else there, except me. At the end of the meeting, we all decided to make sure that we made arrangements for child care for all of our kids for the meeting that was scheduled for the next week.

In the mean time, one of the moms found out that my son has Autism. She called me the next day and asked me a bunch of questions including, "Is that why he was screeching outside?" (which, was what all the other kids were doing), and "does he qualify for special ed services, because we as a school do not want to deal with special needs" and the like. I answered her questions, but I was delighted when her phone beeped and she had to let me go. I didn't want special ed for my son. If I did, I would have enrolled him into public school, no questions asked, but that's beside the point. The next day, I received an email from another mom who said,

"I wonder what arrangements you will be making regarding care for your children for the meetings this week?"...."I wonder how things went for you last week at the meeting? For me, it seemed clear that the added component of all the young children without their own care providers affected the quality of our comminication and decision-making abilities."..."For the next two meetings in particular, our greatest attentiveness will be needed. I'd like to request that you keep your older children at home or arrange for their care at the school, with a qualified person that they will be comfortable counting on. Your baby, of course is fine to bring."

..and then was told by the first mom that it was my son in particular that they didn't want to attend the next couple of meetings. This was surprising to me since he interrupted less times than my daughter did. Also, there was one other little girl in particular that attended and sat on her moms lap the entire time, twisting her mothers hair, poking her nose, making loud, screechy noises, fussing and jumping up and down on her lap. No one bothered to ask her to keep her daughter home. Plus, I was the only one to recieve an email.

I definitely sent an email back to this woman, letting her know that first of all, I had made prior child care arrangements as per request of the members to every parent present at the previous meeting. I also let her know that I had found out that it was my son in particular that she and the other mom were worried about and that I had decided to cancel my childcare after all and not be part of their little clique. Finally, I made it known that as a private school that had existed for 30 years, I had already received clearance from the current board for my sons attendence, but if they as the new board thought they would only be receiving perfect children, they would be hard pressed to find them.

I post this only because for those of you with typicially developing children, remember, the next time you hear a screaming kid, or see a kid being sassy or abusive to his or her parent, or runing away in the parking lot...instead of judging the parents skills or the child and suggesting what disciplinary action should follow- take a walk for a moment in that parents shoes. Maybe that parent is doing a great job under the circumstanes they've been given. Maybe that child has sensory processing disorder, Autism, ADHD, or something else. Instead of making snide remarks or doing something else as equally hurtfull, offer up a friendly smile- or just walk by without condemning the parents. It's been a week and I'm just getting over the hurt of my little incident...

Then, something amazing happened. Someone on my facebook friends list posted a status suggesting that I treat lifes problems like a dog, pee on it and walk away.

SO...this is me peeing on it, and now- I'm walking away.